Week 6

In the LDS culture, marriage is one of the most discussed topics there is. I can even remember talking about marriage way back when I was a Sunbeam. This did not end when I entered Young Women's, in fact it intensified. I don't think I ever had a lesson that wasn't somehow related back to marriage. Marriage is a BIG DEAL. But I want to talk about the side that we don't really talk about in church. Marriage is not perfect. I grew up expecting to find my Prince Charming, a perfect man who was destined for me and who would do no wrong. Ladies and gentleman, nobody is perfect. There is nobody out there who is absolutely perfect and destined for you. Love is a choice. 

"When people marry, they have certain expectations about what their marriage will involve. Among other things, they tend to expect that marriage will make them happy and fulfilled, that it will last, and that their spouse will be faithful. Some of these expectations may be unrealistic. If, for instance, you expect that your spouse is always going to make you happy or that your relationship will be invulnerable to infidelity, your expectations are unrealistic. A survey of high school students reported that 60 percent agreed that when they married, their spouse would fulfill nearly all their needs for security, support and companionship. If they sustain such expectations, they are expecting more than they are likely to get" (Lauer and Lauer, Chapter 8).

I once read a quote that said something to the effect of 'be happy because you are happy, not because someone else makes you feel happy'. If our happiness depends on someone else, then we are setting ourselves up for hard times. As I said earlier, I firmly believe that love is not just a feeling, it is a choice to continue loving someone even when they let you down. This is why I think it is so important to understand who you are, what your wants and needs are, and what qualities you want in a potential spouse before you begin to look for an eternal companion.  

"Commitment to the person means that you are determined to work through troubled times. In contrast, commitment to the institution means willingness to simply endure troubles rather than to work through them. Those who work through problems, rather than endure or wait them out, find the quality of their relationship greatly enhanced" (Lauer and Lauer, Chapter 8). If two people are content with themselves and they do not rely fully on the other person for happiness, I believe that working as a partnership will be much easier for both parties. Problems in a marriage are not things that can simply be waited out. It is important to be committed to that person because you choose to keep making that choice, rather than be committed just because you made the promise to be and you are forced to uphold it. I also believe that expressions of love help to strengthen this partnership. "Commitment also grows as people's satisfaction with their relationship increases. While some decline in the affectional behavior noted is both normal and necessary after the honeymoon period, it is important for the couple to guard romance. The expression of affection is important throughout the marriage. It isn't enough to merely feel affectionate. That affection must be expressed" (Lauer and Lauer, Chapter 8).

I believe that it is important to go into a marriage with your eyes open, knowing that there will surely be bumps along the way and being firm enough in your own happiness to be able to work through them with that special person. I also believe that showing love to your spouse often strengthens this mutual bond of commitment. Marriage is a beautiful institution and it takes two loving and committed people to make it work. Love is a choice.  

Week 5

Finding someone to spend eternity with is a big deal. Especially in the LDS community we put a lot of pressure on dating. But how do we know when we've found the right person? Many times, my friends and I have found ourselves worrying after one or two dates whether that person could be The One. But let’s get one thing straight here: date does NOT equal marriage. Dating is simply for getting to know a person. So what qualities are we looking for when we are getting to know someone? Studies show that the two most common things people look for are attractiveness and similarity. Similarities are the things that two people have in common such as religion, ethnicity, education, morals, attitudes, etc. Attraction is also important because it factors into first impressions. First impressions are when the only thing you know about that person is what you can assume by looking at them (Lauer & Lauer Chapter 05, 06). So, once you’ve found a person who you are physically attracted to and who you have things in common with, what is the next step? Going on a date.

Dating has changed and adapted throughout time. A date used to entail a couple going out and having a fancy dinner and/or doing some sort of fun activity. Technology and culture has vastly changed our idea of what a date is. These days, dating is often renamed “hanging out”. We get together, we cook some dinner, and we chill out and watch Netflix in the comfort of our own homes. It’s cheap and requires little effort. I’m not going to lie, sometimes I myself enjoy a little Netflix and cuddle. But ladies and gents, this is not a date. A date requires some planning, its needs to be paid for, and you need to be paired off. The kind of date a man takes a woman on (or vice versa) says a lot about them. In class, my professor pointed something out that I found interesting. Planned = preside, paid for = provide, paired off = protect. Cheap and comfortable is fun and all, but you really get to see all sides of a person when you are going out and watching how they react in all situations. If they are willing to pay and plan a date, it shows much more about them than hanging out ever would. When I am going on a date I want to know whether a man can preside, provide, and protect me.

One of the things that I think has caused this change in what we consider to be a date is that often men and women are too scared to ask someone out. It’s so much easier to just ask if they want to “hang out”. The word ‘date’ makes it somehow seem much more serious and committal. But let’s think of it this way: one date does not lead to marriage. Even multiple dates don’t. A date means that you have agreed to partner off with that person just for the evening. A date does not even equal a relationship. By going on dates with more than one person, you can see what kind of qualities that you are looking for in your future spouse.

“If you are dating for the purposes of potential mate selection, do not make the mistake of looking for perfection…we sometimes sabotage ourselves by limiting our choices” (Lauer & Lauer, Chapter 05, 06). It is okay to go on dates with more than one person. Unless it is a mutual decision between two people to go steady and find out if what they have is an eternal thing, going on dates with a person is not a commitment. Don’t be scared to ask people on dates. By broadening the pool of choices, you can better identify what personality types fit with yours. Finding an eternal companion is a choice. You must go out and date many people to find who you want to be your eternal companion and who you want to grow with. So… let’s go on dates! Don’t be afraid to ask someone out. Get to know several different personality types and figure out what you are looking for. Love is out there!

Week 4

Isn't it amazing how different men and women are, and yet we are still completely compatible together? Many of the topics we've gone over in class this week have brought to my mind the concept of nature vs nurture. Nurture is the outside factors that influence a person. For example; school, work, friends, foods, exercise, etc. Nature is the biological factors that influence a person, such as genes. Both of these play a big part in a person's personality. In class, we were asked to make a list of the things that usually identify someone as a male or female. Although I know that these things vary from person to person, these are the things that I normally attribute to each sex. For females I put that they are generally expressive, socially orientated, nurturing, and passive. For males I put aggressive, competitive, and protecting. After completing my list, I wondered how many of these things are learned through nurture and how many are already there naturally. Often, units of society influence a person to behave a certain way. Units of society are things like family, workplace, school, government, and religion.

From the time I was five until I was about twelve I lived in a neighborhood full of boys. There were probably about five or six of them and one of me. I always hung around (and probably annoyed) them while they played. Because I spent most of my time around boys, I definitely had a tomboy side to my personality. I didn't mind getting dirty or playing sports with them and very often I felt like it was my duty to beat them at being a boy and knock their egos down a notch. But despite the fact that I was surrounded by boys, I grew up to be a pretty girly person and the tomboy side of me is almost completely gone. As I contemplated this change in my personality over the years, it occurred to me that many of the changes I made were a combination of influences from society, culture, and nature. Even during my years as a tomboy, I always looked up to older women and wanted to be like them. I also enjoyed girly things because, well, I'm a girl, and that didn't change no matter how much time I spent with the boys. The differences between mine and the boys' personalities was always obvious despite my efforts to be like them, and yet we were still compatible together. I still like to do some things that are considered 'manly', but I am also fine with using my womanly attributes to compliment and work together with the attributes of the men in my life.

In a video called "A Tale of Two Brains" ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XjUFYxSxDk ) it describes a man's brain as being full of boxes. Each box has something different in it: work, family, school, etc. Men can only pull out one box at a time. Women, on the other hand, have brains that are like a ball of wire. Everything is connected and we can see how one thing influences all the other things. In an example we discussed in class, we talked about how when boys are playing ball and the game stops, it is usually because someone broke a rule and they are pausing to fix it. When girls are playing a game and it stops it is usually because they are establishing and defining relationships/roles.  In other words, boys tend for focus on fixing things, whereas girls look at the emotional side and the connections between everything. A study was done where they asked some men and women to sit at a desk. After they left the room, they asked if they could remember what was on the desk. The men couldn't remember, but the women could remember each object in relation to the others. What I'm trying to show by giving this example, is that women are naturally more inclined than men are to make connections between people and things. Another study showed that men are better at remembering directions (Northeast, street names, etc.) whereas women are better at remembering landmarks in relation to their destination. Both ways of thinking and acting are efficient for each sex and can work even better together.

In summary, men and women are very different. We think differently, we look differently, we act differently...and yet our differences compliment each other perfectly. Where one is weak, the other is strong. Society will sometimes influence the way we see the roles of man and women and often tries to change them, but ultimately we are meant to work together to create an eternal family. This is why it is so important for children to be raised with both a mother and a father in their home, who love each other. Children need both the nurturing nature of their mothers, as well as the protective nature of their fathers to flourish.

If you would like to watch a funny video about the differences between men and women, watch "It's not about the Nail" at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg . In the word's of my roommate's boyfriend, "just stare at that nail", boys.

Week 3

Growing up, my family was always a bit of a closed circle. Our family home was a place of refuge and comfort and not many people were allowed in. I often remember begging my mom to let me have friends over to play after school. The answer was almost always no. This used to frustrate me because my other friend's parents were very welcoming to having people over. As I got older, it became clearer to me that the reason I was not allowed to have friends over often was not because we barred outside influences, but because our home was a place for us to spend time together. We spent so much time outside the home, going to school or work, that when we had the opportunity to spend time together it was usually in our home. When influences from outside the home were brought in too much, our family unity tended to get stretched and tensions got high. On special occasions I was allowed to invite people over, but ultimately we all understood that our home was our little nest where we came to seek refuge from the world.

Because of the closeness of our little family circle, we all have very defined roles. These roles have changed and adapted with circumstances over the years. I am the oldest child in my family, and this was a role I did not take lightly. My brother and I like to joke that I am the 'burnt pancake' in our family. When cooking pancakes, the most mistakes are usually made with the very first one because you don't quite have a feel for how hot the pan is. The first pancake usually teaches you not to leave the following pancakes on for as long, or they will get burnt as well. Because I am the oldest child, I like to think of myself as the pioneer sibling. My siblings often would see the mistakes I made and learn from them. They also would come to me for advice because I was the most experienced. This is one role that I have that has never changed.

I can remember one distinct time when changes in the family dynamics prompted a shifting in roles. When I was around 12 or 13, my mom became very involved in a crafting blog of hers. Up until that point, our family roles had been pretty much the same my whole life. My dad was the provider and was very often at work. My mom stayed home with us. There were certain things that I had just learned to expect and had taken for granted. I usually expected to get home from school where my mom would be there to greet me and ask about my day. I would then spend the rest of my time doing other things, while my mom went around doing things in the house and cooking dinner. I remember when she started to get more and more involved in her blog, however. I started to notice little shifts at first, but then one day I realized that when I came home from school she would barely look up from her laptop to greet me. I often had to repeat myself several times before she would hear what I said. We didn't get home cooked meals as often, it was usually cereal every night. Because my mom was so involved in building her blog, I began to start stepping into her role. As the oldest, I felt that it was my obligation to take care of my siblings if she wasn't. At one point I realized that I had actually started to resent my mom for making me take on her role. I absolutely hated that blog. This went on for months. I learned to expect to come home and do the best that I could to take care of my siblings just until my dad got home from work and he could help me out. One memorable time, my mom was not as absorbed in her blog as she usually was and she tried to correct my youngest brother's behavior. He ignored her, turned to look at me, and then said 'Do I have to, mom?' I could just see the metaphorical slap to the face in my mom's eyes. I believe that this was the moment when my mom realized the shift in roles and began to come back to the fold.

 In class, we discussed how when a family member begins to stray from their role, often the others will unite and work together to bring that person back. I could see this happen in my own family. My siblings and I didn't have the authority or power to show to my mom that we did not like this shift in the family roles, and so we did so in other ways. This often was lashing out and making risky decisions to try and get her attention. In the class readings, I learned that decreased time as a family is associated with adolescent's loneliness, isolation, and risk-taking behavior. "We are social creatures- Intimacy is a need..not an option"(Lauer, Lauer). I think this is especially applicable to the relationship between parents and their children. To this day, it still is hard for me to let my mom get too close to me emotionally. For a long time I didn't feel like she deserved to know what was going on in my life because she hadn't shown enough interest before. She no longer uses her blog and she has made a lot of effort to fit back into the role she had before, but the scars are still there.

After this initial shift, another shift was made that was similar to how we were before. My mom has stepped almost completely back into her role as mother, and I still have more responsibility than I did previously. My youngest siblings still often listen to me a little more than my mom, but they acknowledge her as an authority figure whom they can go to and she will respond. This experience has shown me the importance of family roles and systems. What systems does your family have? Are there any roles you would like to change or improve? Often, looking inwards at your family can create a better understanding of how your experiences have molded and changed you. I invite you to take a look at your personal life and find a role or relationship that you can improve on. I promise if you do this, it will provide a greater sense of family unity and love.