Week 12

I have never had to go through the pain of having my parents divorce. There have been times when I can remember wishing that they would. But when I step back and look at the big picture I realize that a lot of the fights I thought were a big deal were actually really little and easy to work through. Studies show that the majority of couples who are unhappy in the marriage can work through this difficult time within five years (Lauer & Lauer, Chapter 14).

I am not married yet and I am no expert on marriage. One thing that I have learned from watching my parents, however, is that love isn't so much a feeling as a choice. I like to think of it as when two people keep choosing each other every single day. On the worst days as well as the best, they choose each other. That is the meaning of commitment to me, personally.
Divorce can be awful for all involved partly because divorce isn't just one big split, it is a bunch of smaller ones all together. It is an emotional, legal, economical, co-parental, community, and psychic divorce.

Emotional divorce is the loss of trust, affection, and respect for each other. Instead of giving each other support, each spouse finds ways to hurt each other. Legal divorce is when the marriage is officially ended by the court. Each person is free of the obligations of marriage. Economical divorce is a settlement of the property. This can cause rife over who gets what and neither partner ever feels fully satisfied. Co-parental divorce is when decisions about who has custody of the children have to be made. This can be difficult for the children because their routines and lifestyles are changed dramatically to accommodate each parent. It is especially detrimental if the parents use the children as weapons against each other. Community divorce is when the community or shared friends of the couple feel forced to take sides. Often one of the partners will choose to move to a new community because of this. And last, psychic divorce is the central separation that happens when each person has to accept that they are now single and independent individual and has to learn to feel whole again and heal (Lauer & Lauer, Chapter 14).

As you can see, divorce is extremely difficult for each partner and all involved. Coming from a family where my parents are still married and happy, I have never had to feel this strife in my own life and I am so incredibly grateful for that. There is not a single marriage out there that has never dealt with any problems of difficulties. What it all comes down to is how each person decides to react to the adversity.

In the Gospel Topics on the church website it says, "When men and women marry, they make solemn covenants with each other and with God. Every effort should be made to keep these covenants and preserve marriage. When divorce occurs, individuals have the obligation to forgive rather than to condemn, to lift and to help."

I love this quote. Marriage is a beautiful thing and it should be fought for at all costs. Sometimes in cases of abuse or neglect, divorce is healthier for those involved. In others, all it takes is both people making the decision to choose the other and to work through the problems. Marriage can be beautiful and eternal if both people make the choice to work for it. I encourage anyone who is struggling with this currently to try to make any effort they can to strive for a healthy marriage.

Week 11

I very much enjoyed one of the class readings assigned for this week. It is titled, "We Believe in the Ministering of Angels" by Larry Barkdull and it can be found in the Meridian Magazine. There were two messages that I took from this article. The first is that no wayward child is too far gone to come back into the fold. The second thing I took from the article is that even when we feel utterly lost and alone, we NEVER are. Even though we cannot see them, the Lord will send us angels to comfort and protect us at our weakest moments.

I had an experience just a short time ago when I came to understand this for myself. I have had my fair share of trials in my life. However, I have always been fairly resilient and I have never had a trial that I did not think I could overcome-- until recently. About a month ago I faced a trial that completely devastated me. It was by far the lowest I had ever felt in my whole life, and this was worsened by the fact that I hadn't felt close to the Lord in quite a while. I still had a testimony, but I felt as if the Lord had left me and I hadn't felt the Spirit in what felt like ages. The feelings I felt were a whole new level than I had ever had to work through before and I had no idea how to understand them. I decided it was time for me to go back to my parent's home for the weekend to try and restore the sense of peace that I had lost. While I was there I had a moment when I felt as if I could actually FEEL someone in the room comforting me, despite the fact that I was all alone in the house. I don't know whether or not there actually was an angel with me, but I didn't feel all alone anymore. I knew my Heavenly Father loved me, He cherished my heart, and He had never left me. I went home after that weekend and it literally felt like I was a whole new person. Before I had left, I didn't think I would ever be alright again...but when I came back it was as if the Lord had literally taken my pain away from me.

I know without a doubt that the Lord sends angels to comfort and watch over us. When someone close to us strays from the path and we worry for them, we just need to remember that the Lord desires for all of His children to come back to Him. These particular words from the article stuck out to me: "We must not despair. In working with our wayward children, God will assemble all the powers of heaven and earth to achieve His glorious work. Whether our children have strayed from the path of truth, become lost by following a forbidden path, or consciously rebelled and run away to a far country, their Heavenly Father can find and rescue them. Even when they are so broken that they are no longer recognizable, He will patiently put them back together until they can bring forth good fruit. No matter their choices and situations, God loves them and is constantly working to save and redeem them. And so are their family and friends who have gone on before. We are never alone in the work of redemption."

Sometimes when we have a wayward loved one, the best thing we can do for them is just to love them. The Lord will make up for the part we lack. No one is beyond the Lord's help.

Week 10

Growing up, my mom was always a stay-at-home mom. My dad was the main provider for the family. He is always very careful with his money and keeps up with a budget well. When I was younger my mom would spend a lot of time doing things with me, my brother, and later, my sister. We would go to the park almost every week, do crafts with the supplies in her craft box, bake, and so on. Now that I'm older I can see just how much work and time my mom invested into running our house and raising us. My dad worked swing shifts at his job and so we would see him about every other week and sometimes a little in between. When he was home he would rough-house with us, read books to us, play baseball in the backyard with us, and so on.

When I was a senior in high school, my mom got a job. My youngest brother was still in elementary school at the time. Since I never had to worry about my mom going to work when I was growing up, I have seen the contrast between my childhood and my youngest brother's. When I got home from school, I always knew my mom would be waiting there with some snacks. I was able to spend the rest of my day playing outside with my friends because my mom was there to keep an eye on me. These days, my mom tries to be home from work by the time my younger brother gets home from school; but often that is not the case. When she has shifts later in the day, my brother has to stay inside and watch TV or play video games until she gets home because he is not allowed to play outside without someone keeping an eye on him. Even though my mom is not a stay-at-home mom anymore, she still is able to provide for my siblings in a way that wasn't available to me when I was younger, however. I always wanted to play basketball or baseball but I didn't have the opportunity because my parents couldn't afford it at the time. Now my youngest brother can try out whatever sport he wants because the funds have been made available. Both of my parents still try to spend as much time as they can with us despite their busy schedules and this is one of the most important things to my siblings and I.

Every family is different and they can choose what is best for their own situation. It wasn't really necessary for my mom to get a job, but because she did my siblings had a little extra cushion for activities and sports they wanted to try out. I have the help that I need to get through college without going into debt. One thing that is becoming more of an issue in society these days is the idea that stay-at-home parents aren't as important or don't contribute as much as the providing parent. This is not true. In some cases, parents are not able to stay home with their children for financial reasons. In others, both parents choose to have jobs because they enjoy them and have ambitions. Every family is different and has different methods that work for them. However, we should not let society undervalue stay-at-home parents. The most important work that can be done on this earth is in the home.

"Some have tried to convince us of the importance of family work by calling attention to its economic value, declaring, as in one recent study, that a stay-at-home mom’s work is worth more than half a million dollars. But I believe assigning economic value to household work does not translate into an increase in its status or power. In fact, devaluing family work to its mere market equivalent may even have the opposite effect. People who see the value of family work only in terms of the economic value of processes that yield measurable products–washed dishes, baked bread, swept floors, clothed children–miss what some call the “invisible household production” that occurs at the same time, but which is, in fact, more important to family-building and character development than the economic products. Here lies the real power of family work–its potential to transform lives, to forge strong families, to build strong communities. It is the power to quietly, effectively urge hearts and minds toward a oneness known only in Zion" ("Family Work"--BYU Magazine).

Even parents who are not able to stay home with their children can still achieve Zion in their homes by making the family their biggest priority. Whether you work or not, it is important to spend time with your children and help them to learn and grow. If we do this with faith, the Lord will help us make up the difference financially. 

Week 9

One of the most important things a relationship needs to function is good communication. I am not just talking verbal communication, but also nonverbal communication such as body language and facial expressions. Eye contact and touching are also powerful forms of communication. But the part of communication that I am going to focus on is how, through listening to another person, we can understand what they feel and think.

I personally believe that aside from communicating TO the other person, it is also very important to take time to LISTEN to them communicating with you. "Psychiatrist Karl Menninger once wrote that listening may be even more important that talking. 'I believe listening to be one of the most powerful and influential techniques of human intercourse.' Indeed, good listening has been found to be important in all kinds of relationships. From preserving the dignity of the elderly to satisfaction in married couples. Note that we said 'good' listening, because there are various ways we can listen to others, not all of which are helpful to effective communication" (Lauer & Lauer, Chapter 9).

I will explain a few different things that can hinder good listening. The first is faking it. Listening to another person is not effective if you are distracted and not actually paying attention to what they are saying. If you are listening to another person then be prepared to hear what they are saying. The second thing that can get in the way of effectively listening is called being a 'dependent listener'. This is when the listener is so focused on what the person that they are listening to thinks of them that they agree with what they say just to please them, and not to understand and help them. The third thing (I myself have been guilty of this before) is interrupting the speaker. Often people do this because they are worried that if they do not tell the person what they think of what they are saying right in that moment then they might forget it. Or they might feel like they need to respond to something the other person said right away. A fourth thing that can occur is a person might be self-consciously listening to the other by thinking too hard about a response that will impress the other and not actually trying to understand what they are saying.  These are just a few of the things that can prevent good listening.

So how can you improve the way you listen to others? Here are a few things that you can do to actively and effectively listen to another:
1. Take the initiative in communication. Concentrate on their words, look at them, and also watch their nonverbal cues.
2. Resist distractions. Ignore your own problems or the things around you that might draw your attention away from the other.
3. Control your emotions and resist responding before the other is done talking. Hear them out completely before answering and even if they say certain words that trigger you, don't interrupt them. 
4. Ask questions and rephrase to clarify what they are saying. This shows the other that you are interested and that you are trying to understand.
5. Summarize. You can periodically summarize what the other has said so that you can better understand what they are getting at and how you are going to respond.
6. Practice. Try listening to everyone, not just the people closest to you, so that you can become a better listener overall.
(Lauer & Lauer, Chapter 9)

I believe that one of the simplest ways you can show love towards another is just to listen to them. As you strive to be an effective listener, your communication will strengthen as well as the love and understanding you have for the other person.

"Learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another" -Elder Russel M. Nelson.

Week 8

There are many different kinds of circumstances that can cause stress on a family. These can be things like a death, a birth, an injury, a loss of a job, finances, illness, etc. Family crises can cause extreme strain on a family. I can remember a few different stressors that my own family has been through. When I was in my freshman year of high school, my parents informed me that we would be moving to a new town. This was especially hard for me to hear because I felt like I had already planted my roots and had friends that I loved and whom I did not want to leave. But my parents were determined to go. At first when we put our house on the market, we had many people come to look at it and my parents were sure we would find someone to buy. After months of this however, our family began to feel the strain of it. Day in and day out we would have to leave our home at the drop of a hat whenever the realtor called to say she was bringing someone by. I regret to say that I did not make the circumstances any easier for my parents. I found any opportunity to express my dislike of the situation.

After months of waiting, someone finally decided to buy our house. We then had to pack all of our things up and move them to storage. For four months our family of six packed into my grandparent's basement while our new house was being built. The confined space we lived in turned out to be a major source of contention. Added to that was the fact that since the school year had not ended, we had to make the drive all the way back to our old town every day for a month to finish out the school year.

Finally, our new house was built. We moved all of our things into it and began the process of settling in. A new year of school was right around the corner and we were all very nervous about it. I was utterly convinced that I would never find better friends than the ones in my old town. On my first day of school I felt like a lonely wreck. Everybody seemed to have established friendships and no room for someone new. But then a girl from my new ward came and found me and welcomed me into her group of friends. From there on out, our lives improved.

'Clearly, people react in different ways to family crises....whatever the particular crises you face, there are always alternative ways of dealing with it. You can't control all of the things that happen in your life, but you can control the way you respond to them. This doesn't mean that you can avoid the trauma of crises. It does mean...that you can avoid long-term, adverse consequences. In fact, it is possible to turn the crises into something that yields long-term, positive consequences" (Lauer & Lauer, Chapter 13).

When I looked at our family stressor with a negative perspective, the strain in our family intensified. But when each of us choose to look at it in a positive light, we were able to see all the new opportunities that it presented and all the ways that we could learn and grow from it. After a few years in my new town, I realized that although I loved my old friends, I was also so grateful for my new ones. Thinking about how I might not have met them if not for that stressor makes me very sad.

The way we choose to react to a family crises makes all the difference. The next time your family faces financial difficulties, or a difficult move, or anything of that sort...just remember that attitudes are everything. No bump in the road is too difficult to a family who is united and ready to face it together.

Week 7

In the dictionary, infidelity is defined as marital disloyalty, adultery, or unfaithfulness. These words are a good description. However, I am going to take it one step farther and say that infidelity can even be something as simple as flirting or sharing your heart and feelings with another person besides your spouse. You can practice infidelity in your heart even if you are not actually having sex or giving your body to someone else. 

This prompts the questions: should a husband/wife have friends of the opposite sex? Where are the boundaries? Are you allowed to be jealous? Do you need to relinquish old friends when you get married? These are all good things to discuss with your significant other before you get married. In a marriage, many boundaries are laid down that weren't previously there before. When you choose to marry a person, you are committing to them completely; emotionally and physically. So lets talk about some of the boundaries that should be laid down once you are married. 

Many people have a hard time letting go of friends of the opposite sex when they get married. But lets think about it this way: those friends are your past, your spouse is your future. While you are dating your significant other, you should already be able to see a distancing between yourself and old friends while at the same time drawing closer to your future spouse. You and your spouse are a partnership and there is no room for anyone else in it. Let's back up though. I am not saying that you have to completely shut out all your friends. But there is a line that must be drawn in the relationship. If you are going out to lunch with friends of the opposite sex or hanging out with them when your spouse is not around, this can foster the kind of environment that could lead to contention in your marriage. "Opposite-sex buddies become sources of contention...and comparison. You never had to deal with your buddy with morning breath while stressing about an important exam while they had the flu" (Friends, Facebook, and Fidelity Presentation). 

Your spouse should not ever have to wonder they are irrationally jealous. They have every right to be jealous because a marriage means total commitment and a promise to give your heart and feelings only to your spouse. They are your one and only. "The problem with friends is that they may invade even without intending to. Emotional infidelity is damaging, and often leads to other forms of betrayal. Sharing one's tender feelings, confidences, and aspirations creates bonds. These should be reserved for your spouse" (Friends, Facebook, and Fidelity Presentation). It is okay to consider people of the opposite sex to be a friend, but a line must be drawn once you are married. This line is drawn at spending good amounts of time alone with them or telling them things that should only be told to your spouse. Here are some boundaries that can be made to protect and preserve a strong partnership with your spouse: "friendships change and fade into the background. Digital distractions are carefully regulated, both in time and content. Family members are invited to step back, and play a support role to the couple. You're not children anymore. Love and kindness prevail in such a way that no one can doubt your total devotion to one another" (Friends, Facebook, and Fidelity Presentation).

A marriage is such a beautiful and sacred thing. It should be cared for and protected at all costs. "Thou shalt love thy wife (and husband) with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her (and him) and none else" (D&C 42:22). Cherish your spouse and don't do anything that would hurt or make them uncomfortable. This will strengthen your marriage for eternity.

Week 6

In the LDS culture, marriage is one of the most discussed topics there is. I can even remember talking about marriage way back when I was a Sunbeam. This did not end when I entered Young Women's, in fact it intensified. I don't think I ever had a lesson that wasn't somehow related back to marriage. Marriage is a BIG DEAL. But I want to talk about the side that we don't really talk about in church. Marriage is not perfect. I grew up expecting to find my Prince Charming, a perfect man who was destined for me and who would do no wrong. Ladies and gentleman, nobody is perfect. There is nobody out there who is absolutely perfect and destined for you. Love is a choice. 

"When people marry, they have certain expectations about what their marriage will involve. Among other things, they tend to expect that marriage will make them happy and fulfilled, that it will last, and that their spouse will be faithful. Some of these expectations may be unrealistic. If, for instance, you expect that your spouse is always going to make you happy or that your relationship will be invulnerable to infidelity, your expectations are unrealistic. A survey of high school students reported that 60 percent agreed that when they married, their spouse would fulfill nearly all their needs for security, support and companionship. If they sustain such expectations, they are expecting more than they are likely to get" (Lauer and Lauer, Chapter 8).

I once read a quote that said something to the effect of 'be happy because you are happy, not because someone else makes you feel happy'. If our happiness depends on someone else, then we are setting ourselves up for hard times. As I said earlier, I firmly believe that love is not just a feeling, it is a choice to continue loving someone even when they let you down. This is why I think it is so important to understand who you are, what your wants and needs are, and what qualities you want in a potential spouse before you begin to look for an eternal companion.  

"Commitment to the person means that you are determined to work through troubled times. In contrast, commitment to the institution means willingness to simply endure troubles rather than to work through them. Those who work through problems, rather than endure or wait them out, find the quality of their relationship greatly enhanced" (Lauer and Lauer, Chapter 8). If two people are content with themselves and they do not rely fully on the other person for happiness, I believe that working as a partnership will be much easier for both parties. Problems in a marriage are not things that can simply be waited out. It is important to be committed to that person because you choose to keep making that choice, rather than be committed just because you made the promise to be and you are forced to uphold it. I also believe that expressions of love help to strengthen this partnership. "Commitment also grows as people's satisfaction with their relationship increases. While some decline in the affectional behavior noted is both normal and necessary after the honeymoon period, it is important for the couple to guard romance. The expression of affection is important throughout the marriage. It isn't enough to merely feel affectionate. That affection must be expressed" (Lauer and Lauer, Chapter 8).

I believe that it is important to go into a marriage with your eyes open, knowing that there will surely be bumps along the way and being firm enough in your own happiness to be able to work through them with that special person. I also believe that showing love to your spouse often strengthens this mutual bond of commitment. Marriage is a beautiful institution and it takes two loving and committed people to make it work. Love is a choice.