Week 3

Growing up, my family was always a bit of a closed circle. Our family home was a place of refuge and comfort and not many people were allowed in. I often remember begging my mom to let me have friends over to play after school. The answer was almost always no. This used to frustrate me because my other friend's parents were very welcoming to having people over. As I got older, it became clearer to me that the reason I was not allowed to have friends over often was not because we barred outside influences, but because our home was a place for us to spend time together. We spent so much time outside the home, going to school or work, that when we had the opportunity to spend time together it was usually in our home. When influences from outside the home were brought in too much, our family unity tended to get stretched and tensions got high. On special occasions I was allowed to invite people over, but ultimately we all understood that our home was our little nest where we came to seek refuge from the world.

Because of the closeness of our little family circle, we all have very defined roles. These roles have changed and adapted with circumstances over the years. I am the oldest child in my family, and this was a role I did not take lightly. My brother and I like to joke that I am the 'burnt pancake' in our family. When cooking pancakes, the most mistakes are usually made with the very first one because you don't quite have a feel for how hot the pan is. The first pancake usually teaches you not to leave the following pancakes on for as long, or they will get burnt as well. Because I am the oldest child, I like to think of myself as the pioneer sibling. My siblings often would see the mistakes I made and learn from them. They also would come to me for advice because I was the most experienced. This is one role that I have that has never changed.

I can remember one distinct time when changes in the family dynamics prompted a shifting in roles. When I was around 12 or 13, my mom became very involved in a crafting blog of hers. Up until that point, our family roles had been pretty much the same my whole life. My dad was the provider and was very often at work. My mom stayed home with us. There were certain things that I had just learned to expect and had taken for granted. I usually expected to get home from school where my mom would be there to greet me and ask about my day. I would then spend the rest of my time doing other things, while my mom went around doing things in the house and cooking dinner. I remember when she started to get more and more involved in her blog, however. I started to notice little shifts at first, but then one day I realized that when I came home from school she would barely look up from her laptop to greet me. I often had to repeat myself several times before she would hear what I said. We didn't get home cooked meals as often, it was usually cereal every night. Because my mom was so involved in building her blog, I began to start stepping into her role. As the oldest, I felt that it was my obligation to take care of my siblings if she wasn't. At one point I realized that I had actually started to resent my mom for making me take on her role. I absolutely hated that blog. This went on for months. I learned to expect to come home and do the best that I could to take care of my siblings just until my dad got home from work and he could help me out. One memorable time, my mom was not as absorbed in her blog as she usually was and she tried to correct my youngest brother's behavior. He ignored her, turned to look at me, and then said 'Do I have to, mom?' I could just see the metaphorical slap to the face in my mom's eyes. I believe that this was the moment when my mom realized the shift in roles and began to come back to the fold.

 In class, we discussed how when a family member begins to stray from their role, often the others will unite and work together to bring that person back. I could see this happen in my own family. My siblings and I didn't have the authority or power to show to my mom that we did not like this shift in the family roles, and so we did so in other ways. This often was lashing out and making risky decisions to try and get her attention. In the class readings, I learned that decreased time as a family is associated with adolescent's loneliness, isolation, and risk-taking behavior. "We are social creatures- Intimacy is a need..not an option"(Lauer, Lauer). I think this is especially applicable to the relationship between parents and their children. To this day, it still is hard for me to let my mom get too close to me emotionally. For a long time I didn't feel like she deserved to know what was going on in my life because she hadn't shown enough interest before. She no longer uses her blog and she has made a lot of effort to fit back into the role she had before, but the scars are still there.

After this initial shift, another shift was made that was similar to how we were before. My mom has stepped almost completely back into her role as mother, and I still have more responsibility than I did previously. My youngest siblings still often listen to me a little more than my mom, but they acknowledge her as an authority figure whom they can go to and she will respond. This experience has shown me the importance of family roles and systems. What systems does your family have? Are there any roles you would like to change or improve? Often, looking inwards at your family can create a better understanding of how your experiences have molded and changed you. I invite you to take a look at your personal life and find a role or relationship that you can improve on. I promise if you do this, it will provide a greater sense of family unity and love.